Walking Through Sobriety – Step Eleven

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god, as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry that out.”

The words “conscious contact” have often seemed to me that I would be aware of a voice in my head, giving me direct instruction, or that I would be able to read omens in the clouds and people passing on the street. That somehow, I would always know what to do through some kind of cosmic radio control.

This had been a frightening prospect, yet one that had a certain appeal to the part of me that is always looking to abdicate responsibility.

As I have worked with this, though, I find that – for better or for worse, conscious contact with a higher power is a lot subtler.

Better, as I do not have to worry about turning into a robot, or some kind of wild-eyed Holy Roller.

Worse, as I get to do the hard work of listening, and worse yet, if I manage to hear “his will” and somehow get the “power to carry that out” I do not get off the hook- I am still – actually even more so – fully responsible for my own choices and behaviors.

In my experience, the biggest obstacle to my kind of conscious contact it the noise in my head.

The endless chatter of conversation, planning and judgment. The constant litany born out of my fears and resentments and what I should have said what they said what I should have done what they did …

For you see, I have come to the place where this spirit, this “god as I understand him” comes from somewhere deep inside myself. Meditation, then, is simply a way of getting some peace and quiet so that I can hear. Taken this way, there are many things that can serve as meditation – anything, really, that will get me quiet and present.

Prayer is gathering the courage to speak into this space.

Oddly enough, this sprit, though inside me, mostly talks to me through others. Perhaps this is a contradiction, but means I need to be in close contact with other people. How do I do this?

To get close to another I have to hear and see them as they are. It is difficult sometimes to have intimate conversations without having a conversation with a ghost – bringing in all my past patterns of reaction, my fears, and my defensiveness to the point that I am talking to some internal projection pasted over the face of whoever I am with.

Again, the solution is being present. Meditation trains me to observe my thoughts and reactions.

This practice gives me a moment’s grace, a buffer, if you will, between my thoughts and actions. In this space I can find the grace to be present, to be still, to be listening. There is a clear moment to see the truth of who I am, to see the other people as who they are – right now.

In this moment between thought and action I have the opportunity for conscious contact with my spirit.