Walking Through Sobriety – Step Four

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”

“I’ve got a secret” … These are the words that come to mind when I hear this step.

What does this have to do with a “moral inventory”? Why is this step often the most dreaded? I think it is because, though we may not know exactly what constitutes a moral inventory, we somehow sense that we are going to have to explore those areas of our lives that we would rather avoid completely.

A great deal of trouble that I have with step four, or any step that requires a good look at myself (steps eight and ten come to mind) stems from the fact that I am quick to judge, and these judgments are usually rendered in stark black and white.

I cannot look at my own behavior for very long without this examination turning an exercise in trying to label myself a “Good” person or a “Bad” person. Naturally, this blocks progress. If whatever I am considering will support a judgment of “Bad”, I go on the defensive, trying to rationalize my behavior, or I am tempted simply dismiss it. Sometimes I just give up, saying, “I am just broken, so why bother?”

I am equally uncomfortable with actions that might lead to a judgment of “Good” (Why? That is an article in itself).

Such judgment is unnecessary. At worst, it represents evading responsibility for our actions; at best it is a shallow and somewhat dishonest view of things.

Our characters, temperaments, and actions are all mixed up, often ambivalent, frequently inconsistent.

Our motivations can be erratic as well, and are often contradictory.

We change from one moment to the next, and from one circumstance to the next. Forming an absolute judgment misses the purposes of the step, and ignores our humanity.

Ah yes, those secrets.

We have done things that we are ashamed of, behaved in ways that have caused us and others around us great misery. We would rather not think of it.

Well, we don’t have to … we can always drink again. Should that thought be too awful, we ask, “What else can we do to get some relief?”

Before we can answer this question, we need to discover the truth about what we need relief from. We need to dig past the self-hatred, the judgments and rationalization, the millions of little lies we tell ourselves and find exactly what we have done that is causing us to so desperately seek refuge in a multitude of dysfunctional ways.

This, I think, is the purpose behind step four. We desperately need to change. But before we can do so, we need to know exactly what it is that we are starting with.

Many ways of doing step four can be found inside and outside the program, from simply answering the questions posed in the big book to elaborate worksheets with detailed instructions.

But … ‘I’ve got a secret’ … this is a simple guideline. This will tell us to write about what we would rather not. If it is scary, if we have convinced ourselves we will tell this to no one, if we cringe when we think about it, this is the stuff to put down.

Step four asks us to look at those things that made us unable to live with ourselves. Drinking provided the relief that allowed us to go despite this. Without the alcohol we will have to seek refuge somewhere else. Step Four lays the foundation for building that refuge.