Walking Through Sobriety – Step Two

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”

What is insanity? There are many definitions, from those used by clinical psychologists to the everyday definition used in Alcoholics Anonymous: “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” This latter definition captures the fundamental insanity of alcoholic denial: the belief that somehow, in some way, despite all evidence to the contrary, we can control our drinking.

“This time it will be different,” I would think to myself as I walked into the bar, somewhat revived from that morning’s hangover and conveniently forgetting the previous nights despairing promise to myself to never to drink again.

This is the insanity that made continuing to drink – despite the loss of jobs, the loss of friends, the loss of self respect, the loss of any sense of hope – seem like a good idea.

This is the insanity that had me try any path to sobriety except for not drinking. This is the insanity that made the only way to stay sober – not drinking – seem inconceivable.

Facing this situation honestly for the first time through step one, how then could I have any belief at all that this insanity would be lifted – that I could be restored to sanity? I had absolutely no experience with this kind of sanity.

Paradoxically, in taking Step One I was restored to sanity – just a little bit, and only with regarding to my immediate drinking problems – and this little instance was the tiny seed that grew into Step Two.

For, given the AA definition of insanity, sanity consists of recognizing the reality of the situation, and in Step One I faced the fundamental truth about my alcoholism.

The clarity of Step One showed me that it was possible to gain a little bit of sanity.

Where did this ability to take the first step, this ability to see things clearly for what they were (if even for only a moment) come from?

Easy as it is to get lost in theology, in conceptions of a higher power, of religion, of (gasp) God, the matter does not need to get that complex. Looking at the actual words of the step, I find they match my experience.

My ability to see the truth came from somewhere completely outside my demoralizing experience of alcoholic insanity. This ability, this power, was greater than anything I could muster from inside myself – it was greater than me.

And so I took step two for the first time. Over the years, my experience of this step has broadened, and yet, continuing to take the second step is simpler than I make it out to be.

I get balled up in destiny, in character defects, in psycho-babble, in the search for gods will, in seeing the world the way I want to see it, the way I think it should be. Step Two is simply reminding myself that, if I am willing, I will be given clarity to see things for what they are, to see the people around me for who they are.

Sanity is living in the world as it is. If alcoholism is a disease of lies, then Step Two is coming to believe that we will be shown, that we will become able to see, the truth of the world as it is, and so be able to live in it.